Many people are in unhealthy relationships today, but stay because the relationship feels “normal”. There is a fundamental difference in what is normal and what is healthy. You may have seen unhealthy relationships when you were growing up and therefore it seems normal. Therefore, you may have found yourself repeatedly in negative relationships. It may almost feel like you keep dating the same person (personality characteristics) just with a different face. However, you can break the cycle and be in a healthy relationship! Some of the signs of an unhealthy relationship are when either you or your partner:

1. Feel like you are constantly “walking on eggshells”.
2. Want to change your partner.
3. Have cycles of breakups. (Breaking up when things get hard and getting back together when things “cool off”.)
4. Constantly criticize on another.
5. Are contemptuous (name calling.)
6. Are defensive or blame during arguments.
7. Are codependent.
8. Do not have separate identities.
9. Abuse one another sexually, verbally, or physically.
10. Try to control one another.
11. Have a lack of trust.
12. Have a lack of influence.
13. Have a lack of intimacy.
14. Have a lack of affection.
15. Going for a big reaction (blow up) rather than walking away when your partner does not give a reaction.
16. Talking to other people about the relationship and your problems instead of your partner.
17. Trying to “win” an argument rather than compromise.
18. Feels there is inequality in the relationship which leads to feeling unworthy.
19. Partner cuts you off from your support system/family.
20. Points out flaws.
21. Has empty threats or says they are leaving the relationship when in an argument.
22. Manipulate one another.
23. Feel like an object.
24. Have influenced each other more negatively than positively.
25. Do not want to leave the relationship due to convenience, feelings of guilt, or thinking there are no other options.
26. Are jealous.
27. Fight unfairly.
28. Cheat.
29. Are dishonest.
30. Retaliate.
31. Have a lack of empathy.
32. Invalidate one another’s feelings.
33. Guilt one another.
34. Shame one another.
35. Feel trapped in the relationship.
36. Look into your partner’s personal belongings, cell phone, or computer, or place a tracker to find “dirt”.
37. Feeling that your partner completes you or that you can’t live without them.
38. Constantly putting partners needs above your own.
39. Intimidate one another.
40. Have poor conflict resolution skills.
41. Bring up past things that have happened as ammunition (unforgiveness).
42. Have poor boundaries
43. One or both appear withdrawn from the relationship,
44. Even when together you feel alone,
45. Have a “plan b” partner in mind.
46. Are resentful.
47. Have more negative interactions than positive.
48. Feel the relationship is chaotic/unstable.
49. Have attached quickly.
50. Shutdown when partner expresses feelings.

If you find yourself feeling hopeless or trapped in your relationship it is okay to get out. If you feel that you are in an unhealthy relationship it is okay to seek out the help of a professional. A counselor can help you sort out what attracts you to unhealthy relationships and what keeps you stuck in them. You can have a healthy relationship! My next article will address reasons people stay in unhealthy relationships.

Author: Whitney Doyeto LMFT

I am Whitney Doyeto, M.A., LMFT, the licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Serenity Marriage and Family Counseling, LLC. I earned both a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy and a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from Oral Roberts University. ​I feel called to give hope and renewal to individuals, couples, and families. I strive to create more support, structure, and stability, into the lives of those I serve. I have been married for six years and recently welcomed my first child, a baby girl, in April of 2016. I am passionate about exercise, traveling, and volunteering at Church.